Remember my friend I very briefly noted from the previous post, the one I referenced under the name 'Magenta'?
She's actually my editor.
Yes, editor, as in "Jessica-are-you-writing-a-book?!" type of editor.
Really this all sort of happened by accident! When we first met and she casually mentioned she was a writer, I was kind of like "Yeah, you and everybody else I know".
She's an actual honest to goodness gets-paid-to-do-this-as-a-living kind of writer. With like, legit proof of such that made me sit down and shut up. She's also in the process of opening her own publishing house sometime down the road. Though that's a plan that is still in the production phase as we speak. Though she's already staked claims to me for when she gets her production house up off the ground. XD
So pardon me if I seem like I'm kind of feeling overwhelmed by all of this and thus responding in only the classiest of manners.
By freaking out, of course.
Naturally, before I knew she was a legit writer and not just someone with a writing hobby, I'd already sent some of my own work along to her to read. By time I realized she was legit, I was pretty damn mortified at myself for so casually assuming she'd even be interested in my chicken scratch half-ass less-than-finished project.
Not only was she impressed with my talent and skill, but she offered to take me on as a protege of sorts. I've been spending my free time honing my craft via various works with her guidance.
I'm still kind of floored by all this. Someone-who-is-not-me LIKES my work. Someone-who-is-not-me and owes me absolutely nothing at all, wants to not only read my work, but help get me published.
What is this, I don't even.... what? WHAT?
Outside of RPing games, and aside from the one shoddy unfinished story I posted to Deviantart, I've always been very hesitant to share my work with others. Not only because of plagiarization fears, but also because I have just never viewed myself as being anything worth getting to excited over. I mean, *I* liked my work, sure! But well, that doesn't mean anybody else has to and most certainly not anyone who is reading it only because they're actively involved in its creation, such as RPers go.
It was kind of dizzying to have someone stop and say "You have so much talent, if I can't make a writer out of you then you're not trying hard enough."
More than that though, she's turned out to be an equally reliable friend. Her understanding and assistance with the situation with Ani, as well as the eventual realization that I am, in fact, the "Martha Jones" of one of my prior relationships, has been kind of... breathtaking.
In a good way, I mean.
Without delving too deep, I'd just like to note that I feel as if the burden I've slung along with me for the past year or so has settled itself at long last. I'll post a few of the more memorable snippets from the conversation, so the general idea can be gathered. They are in order, for the most part, but much of the back and forth responding and back-story has been removed for the general sake of privacy. *Look at me, going on as if anybody even reads this thing, lol*
Magenta: This isn't going to sound good, but everyone has a Martha Jones, Jess. It doesn't lessen your feelings for him, or what you invested, but you know what the Doctor was going through when Martha was his companion. We can't fault him for not connecting with her the way she wanted to connect with him, and I don't think we can always fault our ex-partners for the same thing.
Magenta: That's why it's better when we get out; they weren't right for us, and we weren't right for them. Forcing it to be what it isn't won't change it.
Magenta: To use the "street" analogy, Love isn't a two-way street. At best, love is a one-way that passes very close to someone else's street. In that analogy, at least.
The best thing she said so far though?
Magenta: This is good for you, and it's good for your writing.
And she was right.
I've spent so long wondering what it was about me that didn't fit. What it was that made me less than. I never much said it aloud after the initial grieving period but... it bothered me still. Lurking in the back of my mind, spoiling my ability to see things clearly as they were.
I understand now.
Martha was an excellent companion. It wasn't that she was any worse than Rose, or any better than Donna or River. She was amazing in her own right. She just wasn't what the Doctor wanted. It didn't matter if she was exactly what he needed. After the intense roller-coaster of emotions with Rose, the whole scenario with Martha was doomed to fail from the start.
It doesn't mean Martha herself was a bad person, or was any less valuable as a companion. It just means Martha was not the right girl for the Doctor because the only one the Doctor wanted was Rose.
It's alright... that I was his Martha.
That just means I'm destined to be someone else's Rose.
Congrats. Mood struck.
Let's see. What inspired this bout of writing disaster? Well, a lot of things. Let's start with the one most stuck in mind.
So, there's this friend of mine that I used to be really close with a few years back. We met online at a forum where she was known as AnimeFangirl105. She was a few years younger than me and was kind of like the adorable oddball kid sister I'd never really had. (Niece excluding). We were very close friends and even shared a blog together for a while. *Kind of how there's that Japanese tradition of sharing a diary with someone you're close to. Only we used a blog, cause like, she liked overseas*
Some time later, she appeared to be logging on less and less, and more of her profiles in other websites went deleted or remained deserted and untouched. When I finally managed to get a hold of her, she told me she was still planning to be online, but was focusing more on her arts and schooling, so she wouldn't be around as much as she used to.
When the forum went down a third time, she didn't come back.
Eventually, her email was lost as well. Even our mutual friends who had her on Facebook said she never logged on and they couldn't get a hold of her either. It was as if she'd fallen off the face of earth. Bit by bit, she deleted public accounts or abandoned them, all the while the time between our last meeting grew greater and greater.
...I logged in today, to the old forum, planning to send her a message or leave a comment. That forum was the only place where she STILL had a profile that hadn't been wiped clean, even if it was abandoned. It made me, as well as her other friends there, feel better to be able to send her comments or messages or gifts *the forum had a little mini-shop where you could send gifts via points earned from posting* even if we knew she'd never reply.
But today? I logged in to find she'd logged on a month ago and wiped her profile clean. Her usual anime girl picture is gone. Her information is gone. The entire comments section and every comment we sent her is gone, which makes me think she deleted the profile and all I'm seeing is forum fragments. I can't send her messages or gifts or anything.
She was such a close friend and I spent MONTHS trying to find her again. I sent messages, emails, left comments. And in the past... god, 2 years? Maybe even 3? I haven't heard a word from her.
It makes me feel like she "grew up" and decided she didn't need me anymore...
Still, after talking a bit with a friend I shall refer to as Magenta, I've come to move past it, at least in part.
I found the old blog Ani and I shared, and I posted my final message there. Should she ever see it, she'll know how to reach me.
For anyone who's curious, here's the message posted below:
SUBJECT: I miss you Ani
And that was it. I cried for her a while more, mourning what we had, what we lost. What never was and never will be.
I just hope I can put that behind me now. *sighs*
I'd planned to write more but... I think I'll stop for now.
So much has happened in these past months that it remains difficult to sum it all up into words.
I'll have to give it a whirl sometime soon...
So the visit for Aria's birthday went really well. We were definately in "GO GO GO!" mode running around a huge portion of the later days.
The first day I arrived, we got to have a really nice talk while driving from La Crosse back to Leahs place. I was still kind of "nerves and pins and needles, oh my!" for a short while.
When we got to Leahs place, I started scrambling for the gifts I had for Aria and panicked some when I thought I'd forgotten one at home.
I was crazy distracted though, once Aria began acting considerably more affectionte than I'd anticipated.
I've always considered myself to be a little too much of everything, too much emotion, too much affection, too much need and desire and longing.
So I was completely prepared to hold myself back this time around, so as not to behave as I had with the last visit.
Only to my suprise, I didn't feel as much "ZOMG MUST HAVE LOVEZ NAO PLZ!" as I had before. I felt normal and collected and comfortable. But to have Aria being so sweet and downright forward compared to what I was expecting to was just.... really really amazing.
I felt wanted.
It was a really beautiful thing. So very unexpected. <3
Afterwards, we went out to Acoustic Cafe which was very peaceful and mellow. My sandwhich had like a pound of lettus on it for NO REASON AT ALL. Secretly, I think it was because Aria ordered hers with no lettuce, and the cook was all "What? No Lettuce? What am I going to do with all this extra lettuce I just chopped up? Oh, there's a second sandwhich? Awesome, I'll just put it there."
Troll cooks being trolls T_T
Anyway, we went back to her place and kind of cuddled and talked for most of the first day. It was very much time spent just enjoying being by eachothers side. The following day was a similiar event. Just comfy chilling for the most part. We ended up going out that evening and picking up Fatal Frame from the nearby gamestop after we realized we didn't have the right hookups to play gamecube. We played a ton of Fatal Frame after that. I totally got her addicted to that game. I ended up finding the last gift I'd wanted to give her in my bag, where I'd thought it was all along. It was a bracelet that she totally rocked as an ankelet.
The following day was her birthday, we picked up Fatal Frame 2 and 3; We also tried out Demon Souls, which was equally as spectacular.
Leah and Glen had a get-together cookout thingy. We snuck out from that one early as we're both not really too comfortable around large crowds. We went back to Demon Souls and then mostly finished Fatal Frame 2 before starting a chapter of Fatal Frame 3.
The 21st, we drove down to Illinois and spent some time with Mordred, Kiki, Dae and Zyn. We did a lot of talking and singing along to mysic during that 5 hour ride. It was one of the faster rides I've been through.
With the gang around, we played Apples to Apples which was AWESOME =D We ate at Wendys (i tried to Wild Berry Lemonade, SO GOOD!) and went back to play Final Fantasy XI.
Aria, Glen and Leah had the incubus concert later so I stuck around with the rest of the gang while they were gone for a few hours. Aria came back later and we went to the hotel I got for the night, Kiki joined in too because she was visiting out of town to see us, and we all just passed the hell out, lol.
The next day we got up and pouted because the pool was out of order. So we took advantage of the continental breakfast, showered and dressed. While I showered, Kiki and Aria chatted, and likewise while Aria showered, Kiki and I chatted. Kiki asked why, if we both hate the distance, don't Aria and I just move in together. I told her that it wasn't that simple because we weren't in the position to take care of the other if one should move. I don't have my own place, so I can't offer her anywhere to stay. She is moving to Milwaukee and again won't have her own place, more so currently has no job.
The deck was stacked against us. But it wasn't as if I didn't want it to happen.
When Aria finished her shower, Kiki and I applied some eye make-up on Aria and helped her straighten her hair. She looked badass, even if she feigned hatred for the cameras~ ;)
We then went over to Zyns house and hung out for a while, showing Zyn the funny flash anime of Girl Chan in Paradise. So very lolworthy, I swear.
Aria and I were getting kinda bored and antsy so we went over to Mords house where Daniel was and ended up playing some D&D for the first time in ages. <3
But sadly, time was running out and we needed to go.
We ended up leaving just as the sun was setting, and Aria made a cheesy but sweet comment of how it was time for us to go, "Time for us to ride off into the sunset" I commented back that there was no other person in this world that I'd want to ride off into the sunset with.
Another long 5 hour drive left us with a lot of things to talk about.
I touched on my fears about Shannon being single now. I secretly worried perhaps, in an alternate world, where Aria and I were not together...
Aria helped ease my fears. She said that there were a lot of things Shannon had done and had been yet to own up to. Many things that she'd not apologized for that would make pursuing a relationship undesirable.
It helped me.
My fears are gone now.
With that fear cast aside, I finally decided to blurt out my current game plan, thought up while talking to Kiki during Aria's shower.
I'm staying here in boston until February.
Between now and Feb, I'm going to try and reach to save up $3000+ max. Minimum we're talking 2000-2500.
Come February, I plan to begin either A. Looking for a place wherever Aria is and asking her to move in with me, B. Moving in wherever Aria is if that is an option, or C. Asking Aria to help me look around for places in the area for both of us to move into.
I want to close this gap between us. By time Feb rolls around, we'll have been dating for a year, a long distance relationship only gets harder as time wears on.
The few days that I was with Aria most wonderful. Pulling back and away from her, as well as the great people we saw. was physically and emotionally traumatic. Seeing her for 5 days after being gone for 6 months is just too much to keep up.
So, come Feb, that distance is closing one way or another. And right now she seems to be okay with this idea.
We're planning to actually work on music and a band like we'd wanted to. I'm even pushing out some lyrics for a change.
Things look brighter, even if they're a little lonely to start.
I suppose this means we'll see how things go and roll with the punches of fate.
I love you, Aria.
I have hope <3
- Current Mood: Hopeful
you'll be getting what you're really looking for just by being with me
while you're here
for the trip
you're not losing out on some special memory slot
Azure says (7:39 PM):
those slots don't exist for events
they don't exist for times or places
birthdays kind of don't mean anything to me. i don't like christmas.
they exist for people in my life.
people like you.
so don't worry
you're fine <3
Mab says (7:39 PM):
......o.o ....... -.-.... Q.Q
I love you <3
Azure says (7:39 PM):
(a rare occasion of being charming)
i love you too ;3
Mab says (7:40 PM):
You suave bastard.
Azure says (7:40 PM):
(in truth i could get anything i wanted from people with my gilded tongue)
BUT NOW U FEELS BETTAR YES? =D =D =D
Mab says (7:40 PM):
You really wouldn't need to charm me much, I'd give you anything even without the charm.
I do feel better. Jerk =P
Azure says (7:40 PM):
my work here is done
.... back to gaming.
Azure says (7:41 PM):
Mab says (7:41 PM):
...........................*kicks you in the face*
Azure says (7:41 PM):
Mab says (7:41 PM):
I told Aria how I felt. And she replied as seen above.
This girl is going to be the death of me.
I've never met someone who had me so neatly wrapped around her fingertips like that.
>< You're something else entirely, Aria.
- Current Mood: Placated
Change of plans.
Aria, Glen Leah and I were planning to go see Incubus together, the day after Aria's birthday.
Only, Glen didn't know I was planning to visit, so Glen only bought three tickets. Totally understandable.
We tried to get an extra ticket and do a swap of seats but the place was all "72 hour return policy. No exchanges"
So that plan was out.
Buying 2 extra tickets, at this point, would put us in really shitty seats and leave them with a third ticket going unused
I wasn't about to make Aria sit in some crappy seat just so I could go.
She has really great seats with Leah and Glen.
So, I just decided to find something else to do, like hang out with Mord or Kiki, while she's at the concert.
Still... my own selfishness shines through.
I'm really rather sad about this.
I saw it coming. I know I did. I should have known we'd have never been able to fix this. I should have never gotten my hopes up in the first place. I should have never dreamed of it.
But I did.
And it hurts.
It hurts even more because of my own selfish, foolish reasons.
I'm not sad about missing the concert. I'm sad because I'll be forgotten.
Realistically, this is going to be a HUGE moment in Aria's life.
Incubus is her favorite band, this is the first time she'll ever get to see them in concert.
I wanted to be a part of that.
When she looks back on her 26th birthday, She'll remember seeing Incubus.
She'll remember where she sat and the people she was with.
The baked goods and the sweatshirt and the video games... maybe they'll cross her mind. Maybe.
But it's Incubus she'll remember most.
And Glen. And Leah.
But not me.
She won't remember me. Because I won't be there.
That's why this hurts.
Because I WANTED to be a part of that memory.
It's a huge deal. Something she's going to remember for the rest of her life.
And god, I wanted to belong to it.
I wanted to stay in her memory.
Now that the pain is easing, I just kind of feel numb and shell shocked.
This is hurting way more than necessary.
A sore, spoiled part of me wants to just postpone the visit. I know how much more it will hurt to see her go and know I can't go with her. Like a child watching her parents leave for dinner. Crying doesn't help, and I feel almost angry that I can't get my way.
"It's just a concert. It's just one night." I remind myself the magic words. But the magic isn't working.
I feel so forgotten by those I hold dearest. All the time.
It isn't just this.
This is the tip of the iceburg.
I just wish I was a little less invisible. A little harder to forget.
If I could solidify myself in her memory... in anyones memory...
Perhaps things would be different.
- Current Mood: depressed
Though words long to escape.
I feel pushed away.
Just can't communicate.
I didn't come back
to find nothing here's changed.
I thought as adults,
all problems would estrange
You never grow up,
you only grow out,
Your fables still poorly unraveled about
But everyone lies,
Mostly to themselves
Because the prodigal child has filled them with doubt.
He wrapped them around his fingers and then,
he tugged at their strings,
til they'd break or they'd bend.
He'd get what he wants, somehow always did.
Because "no one knows how to say no to that kid."
And his family would suffer, they'd take every shot
aimed at that boy, he'd never get caught.
They would take the fall, bear the pain, lose the game
because no one knows how to let him take his blame.
And you hate him, you do.
But you just can't say no.
Because he smiles at you, and you think the world owes
him a castle or two
because he's got all that charm
but it won't help him any when his pawns are all gone.
*I read this to my niece. Her response was "That was beautiful, in a sad way."
It's about one of my brothers, for those of you who don't know.
We used to be very close, but drifted slowly apart with time.
He still assumes we're close, but I don't feel much towards him anymore.
He's constantly making problems for himself and it saddens me when everyone takes his blame, and shoulders his burden for him.
One of these days people are going to stop dealing with his problems for him. And I really fear what will happen to him then. He's never had to fight the real world. I don't know if he can.
- Current Mood: tired
I feel.... I feel alright.
I feel like something should be wrong, of course.
Which naturally leads me to look around and take a mental count of the things that ARE wrong.
But then I get tired of being upset about that crap and move back to feeling alright, and not being sure why I'm not bothered by what's wrong.
Either it's a weird numb feeling I've acquired over the bad stuff?
Or maybe the good is kind of slowly outweighing the bad?
Or maybe I'm working my brain and body so damn hard that it just doesn't have the strength to be bothered anymore by the bad?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Even now I'm tired. I need to sleep and my mind keeps ticking, keeps thinking, keeps running.
I just want to sleep.
Just let me sleep.
Just love me and let me sleep...
- Current Mood: Weary
It's from Fatal Frame 4: Mask of the Lunar Eclipse.
I felt it was fitting as a subject line.
I've been pondering the topic of memories and forgetting lately.
Lots of questions have been plaguing my mind...
Let me give you an example of what I've been thinking about.
Let's take a look at something small scale.
Let's say I ate a tuna sandwich last week for lunch.
If i forget that I ate that tuna sandwich, and my best friend who was with me, also forgets that I ate that sandwhich, then in our minds it's just like saying it never happened?
If I cannot remember. There is no proof. And more so, it's such a small scale even that there would be no repercussions to forgetting the fact, then, does that mean it's just as good as it having never happened at all?
If I never think on it again for the rest of my life, if it entirely ceases to ever matter to me at all, then is it gone forever?
Now, on a grander scale.
Think of a person.
What if, as a child, I had a friend? What if that friend died in a horrible accident with the rest of their family?
If I forget that I ever knew that a child, if everyone forgets that they ever knew that child, then, would that too be as if the child had never existed at all?
Again, quoting fatal frame, this time Fatal Frame 3: The Tormented
The ghost of Rie's fiancee tells her this when she wishes to join him in death.
"When you die, then I will be gone forever. As long as you go on living, a part of me will continue to live on. That is why you must live."
I found that quote to be interesting since it too lends itself to the idea that once something is forgotten entirely by everyone who knew about it, then that thing ceases to exist.
In the case of people however, would that someone still be forgotten if say, a stranger paused while passing their tombstone and gave a silent prayer? They did not know the person, but for a moment, an image of what was a life was envisioned.
Does someone have to know the exact moment to "remember" it?
And if so, does that mean that every incorrectly remembered moment is a lie?
If one fails to recount word for word an event, does that event now no longer exist because of its flaws? Is a new, false event set in its place because of a minor infraction in recollection? What if someone has created a set of memories for themselves to shelter their physche from a traumatic event? And what if the false events are forgotten? Can you actually forget what never existed to begin with?
Are actual memories of someone entirely pointless as long as you remember the persons existence?
If person A recalls person B fondly because person B took them out for coffee once, while person B recalls person A fondly because they went to the cafe where he saw his first live band (both scenarios being one and the same, but viewed very differently) then could it be implied that all that truly mattered is the fact that both person A and person B recall a date with one another at the same coffee house?
If person A is madly in love with person B because she's convinced he's an avid book reader, but person B is more of a casual reader who just happened to be reading every time he ran into person A, then is that incorrect assumption still considered "remembering" person B?
Are our memories ever really our own? In order to remember someone, do you have to remember them how you think they were or how they actually were? And what if you believe that the way you remember them IS the way they actually were? It's not as if it's entirely easy to just remember someone the way they want to be remembered when you're under the assumption that that's what you've been doing all along.
I'll wrap this up for now. It's just something I've been pondering.
TL;DR Keep me away from Fatal Frame. It makes my thinky parts get super serious on me.
- Current Mood: contemplative
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
(You Learn by Veronica A. Shoffstall)
- Current Mood: blank